With open hands

Regardless of what lessons I've learned, I continually seek assurance from the illusion of control. Even when I know that offering my life to the Lord with open hands is a beautiful release, I clench my hands tighter and cling to the sense of control that comes through worry and stress. What a ridiculous instinct!

I don't know what I'm doing.
School is moving so fast. Time is flying by - it's time to declare my major, it's time to squeeze in classes and focus my studies, to decide what my goals are, what career to pursue, what steps to take, what connections to make. I'm making choices as quickly as I can lest time pass me by- grabbing the most immediate option, what springs to mind first: ENGLISH! I yell. SOCIOLOGY! Grad school! Teaching maybe. wait.
I don't want to teach. I want to go back to South Africa. Maybe do social work. Maybe do whatever and write. Maybe I'll stay in Seattle and work in the admissions office. Maybe I'll get married some day and raise six kids and give up all the career aspirations i'm so frantically searching for. Maybe. I don't like maybe's.

My chronic wanderlust is kicking in - maybe it's the spring sunshine - but I have this compelling desire to leave school and wander the world. I could just walk and walk, searching for what it is I'm passionate about, knowing that I'll recognize it when I stumble across it. Then I'll be content to sit and rest.
But this isn't practical. I can't simply leave school and backpack for an indefinite amount of time around the world. Well, I suppose I could, but I don't know if it would be the wisest choice. Maybe (there's that word again) the summer will be the time that I need to stand back and look at my life and who I am.

In the midst of a sea of maybe's - I KNOW that I don't have to have it all figured out, it's probably better that way anyway. I KNOW that I'm learning about trust and the importance of seeking God's will. I KNOW that if He is who He says He is, He's got it all under control.I know I'm so incredibly blessed by an endless array of undeserved opportunity.

Praise the Lord my life doesn't pause until I have it all figured out!